


A Trip to the Grocery Store

by killugonwriter



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: KEEP YOUR EYES UP HISOKA, Killugon - Freeform, M/M, REALLY GAY Killua, gon's too pure, hisoillu, humor fic, i died while writing this, leopika - Freeform, leorio's mad the entire time, lots of profanity, mamapika, no yogurt then, they might need some coupons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 22:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14412186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killugonwriter/pseuds/killugonwriter
Summary: Gon, Killua, Kurapika, and Leorio take their weekly trip to get groceries. As usual, swears are thrown and mayhem ensues. Very minor hints of Killugon, Leopika, and HisoIllu.





	A Trip to the Grocery Store

Every time they leave their apartment building, they struggle to get things done— and their weekly trip to the grocery store is no exception.

"Listen here, Q-Tip and Cabbage Patch Kid," Leorio hisses at Killua and Gon in the backseat. He adjusts his rearview mirror and makes eye contact with Killua, who sits next to a frowning Gon. "There will be no more of your shenanigans once we get to the grocery store. We will be seen in public and not cause a spectacle for once." Kurapika, who sits in the passenger seat, rubs at his temples where he feels a headache already forming. He doesn't know if he can do this again, and is using his stubbornness as a tool to convince himself he can.

"But Leorio!" Gon begins, and Killua stares out the window, trying to appear nonchalant. "When we got off the elevator, Killua spanked me and then said he didn't do it! I mean, who else could have done it?" From the driver's seat, Leorio is infuriated when he hears Killua's muffled snickering. Damn brat.

"I don't care who started it!" Leorio bellows, and knocks his head against the steering wheel. A loud honk sounds, which surely woke up the entire apartment building. Kurapika watches Leorio with desensitized eyes, wondering how many brain cells he killed this time. "Just please behave."

"Whatever, you old fart," Killua says, uncaringly resting his chin on his palm. "God knows you started menopause decades ago." Gon curiously watches Leorio, who bites his fist to avoid screeching in fury. "Those damn hot flashes make 'ya pissy."

"We haven't even pulled out from the parking lot." Kurapika whimpers, cradling his head in his hands. It's become virtually impossible to keep his sanity.

Killua ignores Leorio and turns teasingly towards Gon. "By the way, you were asking for it," Gon's cheeks puff up defensively at his words, and Killua's catlike eyes glimmer mischievously at the way Gon is reacting. "You're the one who is wearing those embarrassing booty shorts. It's just impossible not to use that against you."

"Hey! Mito-san said I look good in them!"

"You do," Leorio adds, "your legs and butt look tantalizing." Killua glares at him from the back seat. He doesn't like the means as to which Leorio is getting back at him. "Especially for a gay predator like Killua."

Killua blushes bright red at the accusation. "Excuse you, old geezer—"

"He wanted to feel that booty and hear that slap."

Gon's mouth forms an 'o' shape and Killua lunges, teeth bared, for a smirking, now terrified, Leorio. Leorio flings his limbs to protect himself and screams like a little girl; his elbow hits the hazard's button on the dash. As the triggered Killua strangles a losing Leorio, the car, from outside, can be seen jostling— with all the lights flashing.

"Please just start the car, Leorio," Kurapika says above the ruckus, pinching the bridge of his nose. He's about to end the bickering quickly, especially if it goes any further. "I'm about to lose my patience."

"Fucking kids..." Leorio seethes, kicking a flailing Killua to the back. He aggressively presses the brake and turns the key in the ignition. As the engine sparks to life, Killua huffs and clicks his seatbelt angrily into place. Gon watches as closely as he can, as he is hopelessly puzzled by what transpired.

"You guys heard Mamapika, we're off."

"I'm a male," Kurapika deadpans, as Leorio sets the car into reverse.

"Fooled me."

Kurapika rolls his eyes and nestles back into the headrest. He finds himself too annoyed to bother with what Leorio said. So, instead, he cracks open the novel he began yesterday and removes his bookmark.

Painstakingly slow, the car creeps backwards as Kurapika sticks his nose into the page. It takes a while to get out of the parking spot with Leorio's horrible driving skills, but miraculously, it is quiet for a few moments. Gon kicks his legs sweetly as he stares out the window, and Killua focuses blankly on the back of Leorio's headrest.

"Alright kiddos," Leorio begins, straightening the steering wheel. "We'reeeeeeeeee...."

"Dear Lord, save me," Kurapika groans, his eyebrow twitching annoyedly.

"Going on a trip, in our favorite rocket ship..."

Leorio sharply cuts the wheel onto the main road and Gon, with his hands up, laughs: "wheeeee!" as the car almost does a tailspin across the double yellow lines. Killua stares dumbfoundedly at the easily-thrilled Gon. Like a madman, Leorio opens his adjacent car window and screams the rest of the chorus into the air, passerby cars stuck in the mild traffic appearing concerned. Kurapika simply ignores the commotion, as he is used to the chaos, and reads his fine literature.

After finishing his little tune, Leorio turns on the radio for some real music— a station is playing some sort of song about "smiling again." Gon and Killua begin to sing along with awful, yet endearing voices in the back, so he leaves it on; after all, the song is catchy.

Leorio abuses the gas as always, whipping over anything in his path, including potholes. Gon and Killua fly into the air in the back seats when they hit a particularly deep hole in the road. They are only brought back down with the help of their seat belts and gravity.

"Daichi wo fumishimete!" The radio blares.

"Time is money," Leorio cackles out loud, running a red light.

"Kimi wa mezameteiku..."

"Oh dear," Kurapika says over his book, awaiting imminent death by car crash. The average-day scenery blurs by, and they arrive at the turn near the grocery store at record time. Although, Kurapika seems a bit frazzled when he realizes they were going one hundred miles per hour... and that wasn't on the highway. "Leorio, one of these days you are going to kill us all."

"Tenshi no hohoemi de..."

"Nah," he says, honking his horn at the person in front of them that is going too slow (AKA the speed limit.) "Everyone else is just too pussy."

"Tsuredashite!"

Gon tilts his head to the side, and Killua guffaws. Gon is too innocent for such profanity. Kurapika slaps Leorio in the back of the head for his use of bad language, causing the car to swerve as they near the grocery store parking lot.

"OW! You hit hard for a girl...!" By a miracle, Leorio gains control of the car after Kurapika's interference. Huffing, Kurapika turns away from Leorio, too irritated to bother anymore. Gon blinks, trying to understand what is going on around him. Why did Kurapika hit Leorio, exactly? Killua raises his eyebrows at the other three passengers, but stays silent.

As they pull in, an old lady struggles to push her full grocery cart across the crosswalk, and so; Leorio begrudgingly stops the car.

However, he slams his hand into the car horn.

Kurapika throws down his book and wrestles Leorio as the poor granny is startled so badly she practically flies out of her old people diapers. In the scheme of things, she gets off the crosswalk quicker than ever before.

"Leorio! You ass!" Kurapika hollers, finally wrenching his palm off the horn.

"Hey, she moved," Leorio states simply, and Gon looks troubled in the back, his eyebrows scrunched together.

"Yeah! Butcher that hag!" Killua cheers. Gon scolds him for being rude, but Killua doesn't seem to care. Gon looks like he's thinking for a moment, and then he speaks up above the chaos.

"Kurapika? Does that mean that Killua is an ass too?" All at once, everyone in the car turns and stares at Gon. "Since he's also being mean?" Kurapika can't think of anything to say, so instead, Leorio pipes up for him.

"Yes," Leorio says educationally, "Not only is he an ass, but he likes to tap them too."

Poor Gon has to suddenly restrain Killua, who lunges in an attempt to once again strangle his instigator. Leorio, feeling slightly victorious, ignores the commotion in the back and accelerates past the crosswalk. The old lady is nowhere to be seen, he must had really scared her.

He loops several agonizing times around the parking lot, despite there being plenty of spaces open. Kurapika sighs in exasperation— Leorio is always like this. Gon and Killua have calmed in the backseat, but are stubbornly refusing to look at each other

"Just park, Leorio," Kurapika says, turning a page.

"No! I must deem one worthy." He turns into a new row of parking spaces. "See, that one's ugly as shit, that one is too difficult for me to park in..."

"They're all the same..." Kurapika looks at him strangely, but Leorio tells him to shut up. It's another ten minutes before Leorio finally chooses one smack dab in the middle of a deserted portion of the parking lot. However, on top of that, it takes Leorio another five minutes to park okay enough for it to be considered legal.

"Sorry that I parked as unstraight as Killua's sexual orientation," Leorio says apologetically, and Killua mutters something that sounds like "fuck you" under his breath. Gon doesn't understand the reference, and tries to ask Killua what Leorio means. Killua pretends he didn't hear it, but konks Gon in the head when he continues to expectantly stare at him.

"Killuwaaaa!" Gon rubs his sore noggin.

"Mind your business, baka."

"Finally..." Kurapika mutters, slipping the bookmark into his book. "I thought the sun would set by the time we got here."

"Be quiet," hisses Leorio, who turns off the engine. The car goes silent. "Alright, kiddos, get your skinny asses out."

"At least I'm not a fatass, like you," Killua shoots back, and Leorio hollers a retort with too many colorful swears to count. Sighing, Kurapika grabs his grocery list, and gets out of the car along with Gon. It takes a moment after their squabble, but the other two passengers eventually get out too.

"Alright!" With a beep, Leorio locks the car door with the remote on his key. "Let's hustle!"

"Try to keep up, your obesity puts such a damper on things," Killua smirks. Seething, Leorio moves to flank a silent Kurapika, as he wants to be as far away from Killua as possible. Gon, however, seems glued to Killua's side, chatting to him excitedly about fishing bait. Killua looks about to fall asleep.

"Gon...You can just use worms, why do you insist on bugs and shit?"

The tiny speck of the faraway grocery store grows bigger and bigger, and by the time they arrive at the sliding automatic doors, Leorio is sweating in his multi-layered suit. In his discomfort, Leorio tugs at his collar and wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. Kurapika looks at him dumbly. Leorio will never, ever dress appropriately.

When they enter, the grocery store is filled with people pushing carts in varying states of fullness. Ads for sales blare on food displays, which Kurapika, being the manager of their finances, will most likely utilize. The too-cold AC blasts on them all, making Leorio sigh in relief.

"This is why you don't need to be dressed for law school when we are just picking up some goddamn cereal," Killua says from the corner of his mouth. Gon gives his friend a scorning look, one he probably picked up from Mito.

"That's it Pillsbury Dough Boy!"  Leorio screams above the crowd of shoppers. "I'm taking your gay ass out!" A mother passing by with her two kids gasps and ushers them forward, shielding their ears. Leorio gives a high-pitched battle cry and Kurapika slaps a palm to his forehead.

"Alright," Kurapika speaks up. "That's enough, someone might end up reporting you two idiots." Gon nods in furious agreement with Kurapika, trying to behave as much as possible, unlike his best friend.

"Tch." Killua turns away, dismissing Kurapika's scolding. Leorio, however, protests until the very end.

"Kurapika, he needs to die."

"No he doesn't, Leorio," Kurapika sighs in annoyance. Gon approaches with a grocery cart, trying to keep himself useful. Killua scratches his nose and watches him approach in boredom.

"He gives me cancer, look Kurapika— I'm losing my hair."

Kurapika grabs a nearby flyer, and begins searching for deals instead of listening to Leorio's complaints. Leorio wails at being ignored.

"Leorio, if you don't shut the fuck up, I won't buy you double-stuff oreos."

At that, Leorio simply shuts up.

"Why don't we put the money for the oreos towards my chocorobos?"

Leorio's face turns bright red as he swallows down a yell. Killua pretends he doesn't see Leorio's tantrum, as an easy way to spite him. Gon, with the help of his low attention span, blocks out the surmounting argument and flitters his gaze around the aisles, observing other shoppers. Kurapika slaps down the flyer into the cart, missing the fussy Leorio's outburst entirely. His battle plan is ready.

"We're heading to the dairy section first," Kurapika announces. Gon smiles and begins to push the cart, looking ecstatic to do something simple with his friends. He used to go grocery shopping with Mito back on Whale Island, so therefore, he holds the chore close to his heart. Doing it with his best friends feels special. Leorio grumbles annoyedly, and keeps his distance from Killua, who is too uncaring to pay him any attention. Almost immediately, Kurapika is everywhere at once, grabbing items they need off of shelves.

"Kurapika!" Gon waves, parking the cart next to Leorio, "I'll get the eggs!" Killua gives him a concerned look, knowing that Gon is a bit too rugged and clumsy to deal with something as delicate as eggs. However, Kurapika nods and continues weaving through customers to different shelves.

When Gon heads over to where the eggs are, Killua follows him, as he has a bad feeling about the whole ordeal.

"You sure you can handle this, Gon?" Killua watches warily as Gon grabs a carton of eggs and flips it open to check for any cracked shells. "You're really not the best at stuff like this."

"I've got this, Killua!" He taps his finger over each one, but stops when he realizes he just broke five in a row. Gross yellow slime bursts from the cracked eggshells.

"Oops."

"Goddammit Gon," Killua hisses, pulling the contaminated carton from him. He looks around to see if anyone saw it, and thankfully no one did. He closes the top of the carton and pushes it aside with the others, fully planning on leaving it there.

"B-but Killua," Gon protests, looking guilty.

"Shut up, you saw nothing, heard nothing, and did nothing. Got it?" Killua says to him, and it takes a moment for Gon to absorb it all. When he finally takes in all that Killua said, he realizes Killua has grabbed a perfectly good carton and is stiffly walking away.

"W-wait for me, Killua!" Gon hollers after him.

From across the dairy isle, Leorio stands next to their cart, still fuming a bit. In an attempt to distract himself, he examines the few products that lie at the bottom of the cart, ones that have been dropped in by Kurapika. Kurapika is in his busybody mode, so therefore, Leorio knows this small pile is just the beginning of what will be a towering pile of food.

"Do you want yogurt, Leorio?" Kurapika asks, glancing at him briefly as he combs the shelves.

"As long as it has harmful E-coli in it so I can kill that motherfucking Zoldyck," Leorio hisses between his teeth, pushing his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose. "Then he'll be six feet under and I can finally live free of high blood pressure."

Kurapika says to himself, "no yogurt, then."

Killua approaches, one hand stuffed casually in his pocket, the other holding the unscathed carton of eggs. Gon stumbles like a newborn deer behind him. "We got it, Kurapika!" Gon says enthusiastically, and Kurapika offers him a grateful smile.

Killua walks past Leorio, who glares at him in hatred over his spectacles. He puts the eggs carefully into the cart, sparing Leorio an aloof look.

"I assume you had enough time to dislodge that stick from your rectum."

It's all a blur. Leorio screeches, reaching for a nearby gallon of 2% milk from a display. He cocks it above his head, veins in his eyes bulging, fully intending to use it as a weapon.

"Guess not, you still look pretty constipated to me."

"You damn imp!" Leorio spits out, swinging the milk down towards Killua— he aims to split it right over his head. Gon flails his arms stupidly at the approaching danger.

"Killua!" At Gon's bleat, Killua looks up to see the gallon of milk descending towards him. "Look out!"

"Tsk, this guy is anger issues galore." Swiftly, he moves out of the way. Nearby, Kurapika's reach for butter falters when he sees movement in his peripheral vision. When he sees what is happening, a hand flies over his eyes in shock. He yells: "Leorio!"

Leorio misses, and the gallon of milk slams against the ground, bursting open. Astonished shoppers stare as the milk spreads out on the tile, a few droplets raining down on everyone. Kurapika looks on in horror, peering between his fingers.

Leorio howls. "Fuck! I missed!"

The intercom turns on. "Cleanup on aisle 3."

In disgust, Killua wipes a few drops of milk from his turtleneck. "Now look what you did, old man." Gon backpedals to avoid from milk getting on his boots, still looking a little frazzled. "You got milk all over the floor."

"I was just replicating how much you fucking jizz when you think about gay shit."

Killua almost rips Leorio's balls off.

"Not in front of Gon!" Killua hisses at Leorio. However, upon hearing this, Leorio smirks devilishly. He finally has a way to get back at Killua, in a way that won't ricochet back on him.

He's gonna tease Killua about his little crush.

"Um..." Gon breathes quietly. "Are we going to be kicked out of the store?" Leorio blinks. Oh. Oh. That might be a possibility. The dairy aisle is now flooded with the milk, so much that it laps at the soles of Leorio's leather dress shoes. He steps out of the puddle with a wince, hoping his meeting-the-queen worthy kicks aren't damaged.

It is a mess. Leorio realizes he fucked up as he watches Gon tremble in fear of being eradicated from the store. The employees are going to need a few mops to clean up; either that, or Moses to part the sea of milk. The customers do have to get through, after all.

Seconds after, Kurapika is there, his mouth drawn into a thin line. Leorio can tell he is trying to hold in his explosive temper.

"You guys make me want to overdose on aspirin more and more every day."

It isn't long before an associate waves them over, with who Kurapika assumes is the manager. With a belated breath, Kurapika approaches them, ready to convince them to not press charges. Killua whistles, and rests his hands on the back of his head, somehow looking more casual than before. "We'd be fucked if Kurapika wasn't here."

Gon nods a little, and Leorio hates to agree with Killua, but he knows he is right. Kurapika always bails them out of crazy shit they pull. No matter the circumstance, Kurapika is always there to swoop in and save them all. Mentally, Leorio sends him a meek apology. A few employees converge from seemingly nowhere, starting to mop the huge puddle.

It seems like Kurapika is there forever, exchanging words with the manager. However, their voices never raise at each others— which is a promising sign. Leorio, Gon, and Killua anxiously wait, praying that Kurapika will get in the manager's good graces.

Finally, Kurapika smiles and thanks the man, and they separate from their conversation. The parting of the two seems promising enough. Kurapika gives them a thumbs up, and they all slump and give out a sigh of relief. Gon stops nervously biting at his fingernails.

"I thought I was going to be crucified," Leorio's eyes look wide behind his glasses, "or go to jail." He runs a hand stressfully through his spiky hair. Killua gives a partly amused snort, earning a small glare from Leorio. He's still mad after all.

"Shut up, jailbait," Leorio snaps at the snarky Killua. "I'm not fit for jail like you- you can just drop the soap and have a good time." Killua turns a little red, but for some unknown reason his retort dies on his tongue. Maybe he is too deep in Kurapika's debt that he doesn't fight back. Gon tilts his head slightly in his naivety. He doesn't quite understand what it is about dropping soap that seems to embarrass his friend.

Kurapika looks at them with a tired-sort of fondness. After a moment of pause, Leorio clears his throat, and gives a smile towards Kurapika that is so genuine it makes his eyes smile, too. "But really, thanks Pika." Killua and Gon also look at him gratefully, in a way that nothing needs to be vocalized.

Kurapika looks a little flustered. He suddenly remembers why he sticks around— why his friends are so precious to him. Even if they do get in trouble a lot, they do truly care about each other. In the end, that's all that matters.

Visually, Kurapika looks softer. "Anytime."

Leorio laughs heartily. "Now that that is said," He glances sympathetically at the employees mopping the floor. "Let's get the fuck out of this aisle." Gon grabs the cart.

"I second that," says Killua.

By the time they are one aisle over, Kurapika has already fished his grocery list out of his pocket, and is a busy-bee once again. Leorio is back on cart guard duty.

"Hey Killua," Gon says, tugging on the bottom hem of his turtleneck. Killua colors a bit. "Come with me to get Goldfish." Leorio perks up, but not enough to be suspicious— he feigns indifference. An opportunity to get back at Killua has opened, and he is not going to blow it.

"You and those dumb Goldfish," Killua says from the side of his mouth, trying to appear unfazed by how cute he thinks Gon is being. "Anything having to do with hook, line, and sinker always gets 'ya."

"Pleaseeee!" Gon pleads, and it's almost pathetic how quickly Killua gives in.

"Fine." Leorio's eyes slide to them, moving momentarily away from the label of a pickle jar he is pretending to examine. "Do you know where they are?"

"Ne, I think so," Gon presses a finger to his chin in thought. Leorio watches as Killua shyly avoids looking at Gon— something very uncharacteristic of him. Oh, he's going to love this revenge.

"Then start walking baka," Killua drawles. Gon gives him a kiddish whine for the way Killua is teasing him.

"Killuwaa!" Gon complains, and Killua flushes pink, "Be nice!"

"Yeah, be nice, Killua." Leorio mocks, straightening his tie. Killua glares at him icily, and Leorio knows he is getting to him. "If you're a bad boy, Gon might punish you."

Gon looks perplexed by the redness tipping Killua's ears. "Shut up, you towering, suit-wearing baboon. Gon just wants some goddamn Goldfish, calm your tits." Leorio's wrath stockpiles— he would kill to drop-kick this kid. This time, however, he is aiming for a slightly more mature approach: beating him up figuratively.

"Gon," Leorio addresses, and Gon blinks up at him. "If you could punish Killua in any way, how would you? He's being a very naughty boy."

"Leorio!" Killua snaps, he looks like he's about to shrivel up and die of embarrassment. Leorio gives him a cheeky wink, one that makes Killua seethe. Gon is too deep in thought to notice the exchange. A few seconds later, Gon's eyes light up.

"Well, when I was bad, Mito would spank me," Gon says, and Killua has way too much blood rushing to his head at once. When Killua thinks of Gon spanking him, it isn't in the way a mother does it to their child, that's for sure. "I would feel weird doing that to Killua, though—"

Killua cuts him off, face beet-red. "That's right, Gon!" Killua forces a pained laugh. "That aside, let's look for those Goldfish you love so much, eh?" Killua grabs him by the arm, dragging him as fast as he can away from Leorio. However, Killua doesn't fail to turn around and give Leorio a nasty glare. Leorio loves every second of it.

Kurapika approaches, dropping a ridiculous amount of food from his arms into the cart. Leorio wears a blissful expression when he sees his Oreos among the products.

"Where did Gon and Killua go?" Kurapika asks, crossing a few items off his list with a pencil.

"To get some Goldfish," Leorio laughs a little too loudly, "You know how Gon loves those fuckers."

"Ah, yes," Kurapika hums, brushing a blond lock of hair behind his ear. Leorio stares at Kurapika's dangly, red earring— sometimes he forgets Kurapika wears one. "That's one thing I forgot to put on the list, so it's good they went to get it."

Leorio gives him a dumb grin, and Kurapika looks at him expectantly. "By the way, thanks for the Oreos." Kurapika offers him a small smile.

"Anything to shut you up."

"Aw, I'm wounded, Pika."

"Good."

There is a pause, and then they both chuckle warmly. It feels comfortable, good even, to momentarily act stupid around each other. Leorio finds himself watching Kurapika as he laughs, and he discovers that he likes the way he looks in this moment: natural, carefree. When their chuckling dies down, they stare at each other for a second, before Leorio coughs awkwardly.

"Ya going to get some vegetables, now?" Leorio asks, to bring about a new subject, and Kurapika nods. Kurapika's dark eyes flit over his list.

"I'm planning on making a stew sometime this week," Kurapika answers distractedly, as he reads the items written on the notepad. "So yeah. Plus, with the amount of junk Killua influences Gon into eating, it wouldn't hurt to have some serious helpings of broccoli."

"Gon looks like broccoli," Leorio can't help but snort, "Of course he'll eat it. He's into eating fresh produce, anyways, thanks to Mito. Not to mention he basically grew up in nature." Leorio leans his arm on the cart. "But Killua.... We might have to feed him it through a tube."

Kurapika swats at Leorio playfully, snickering under his breath. "Don't say that, I'm already dreading it."

"Yo," Killua announces their return, his arms full of Chocorobos, while Gon's face is shielded from view by a giant bag of Goldfish. "We got the Goldfish." He gives Leorio a pointed look, letting him know he is not up for taking any more shit. "And, well, I got sidetracked by my babies."

From behind the bag, Gon speaks up, sounding happy to have his precious Goldfish. "Killua almost took the whole display!"

"Did not," Killua denies, dropping what must be ten pounds of Chocorobos in the cart. "I left a lot, like, five."

"So many," Leorio jabs at him, as he watches Gon drop the giant bag alongside Killua's Chocorobos. Killua scowls at him, muttering something incoherent.

"Whatever," He crosses his arms in front of his chest. "The point is, I was less selfish than usual, at least, when it comes to Chocorobos."

"Killua did good!" Gon says in a singsong voice, and Killua looks haughty for a moment. Leorio makes a noise of scorn and Killua ignores him, instead deciding to smile at Gon, who looks delighted to get Killua's attention.

"Alright, now for vegetables," Kurapika says to himself, and Killua groans. They all begin to walk to the fresh produce section, and Killua's feet drag the entire way.

"Gross."

Gon gasps at Killua's comment, jumping from foot to foot. Killua looks at Gon, as he is acting weirdly. "What?"

"Veggies are good for you!" He raises his hand into the air. "They give you the necessary vitamins and minerals in order to be healthy!"

"Gon," Killua leans in close to him, and Gon looks hopeful, smiling and eyes open wide. "Listen, I just.... Truly don't give a shit." Gon wilts. "They taste like ass."

"I'm determined to make you like vegetables," Gon says, and Killua rolls his eyes.

"Looks like you are taking that desire to the grave."

"Killuwaa!" Gon pouts, making Killua feel bad, but only for a brief time. Leorio, who pushes the cart, guffaws.

"The only vegetable that Killua will like is cucumbers," Gon clings onto every word Leorio says, "because they look like dic—" Killua is on him in an instant, silencing him with a hand over his mouth.

"Do you wanna die today?" He hisses in Leorio's ear. Leorio shakes his head, pale and legitimately frightened. "Then shut your mouth."

"Killua? Why did you do that to Leorio?" Gon questions. His hands grapple the hem of his shorts, squeezing the fabric between his fingers. He looks genuinely disappointed. "I really want to know why you would like cucumbers."

"Shit," Killua mumbles. Since he is distracted, Leorio bites Killua's palm, making him stumble back. Leorio is on a high, scared by death, desperate to finally smash Killua into the ground once and for all. He yells, at the top of his lungs, why Killua likes cucumbers so much.

"He's GAY!"

Shoppers stare, startled by Leorio's outburst. It takes a moment for the words to sink in, for everyone, that is. Killua who looks down at the tile in shame. His bangs cover his features, making himself appear small and closed off. Gon looks at him with concern, not knowing exactly what to say.

Kurapika rounds the corner, arms full of green vegetables. A bag of kale covers the edge of one of his eyes, and when he peers above it and judges the scene that is unfolding, he stops in his tracks. The pointed stares and whispers amongst the shoppers prove to show that something is amiss. In the middle of the commotion, Killua remains, pity being flung at him from all directions.

Killua looks up with balled fists and glossy eyes. Leorio winces, realizing he overstepped a boundary. He had gone too far in the heat of the moment, had foolishly not bit his lip and kept quiet about Killua's secret. A hint of regret pangs his chest.

He feels like a shit friend.

After a moment, the onlookers visibly lose interest, and return to their shopping. Kurapika flanks Leorio's side, and drops the vegetables into the cart. The sound startles Leorio a bit, and Kurapika looks at him strangely.

"You fucked up?"

"Yeah," Leorio answers with a heaving sigh. He shifts his weight in an attempt to look casual about the whole thing. "How'd you know?"

"Hmm, how should I put it..." Kurapika wonders aloud. "You turn into this jumpy plywood board when you've messed up." Confused lines form under Leorio's glasses. "You get all tense and hike your shoulders up to your ears like a lumberjack who needs a chiropractor." Sheepishly, Leorio rolls back his shoulders that were, indeed, up to the lobes of his ears. "Plus, the sound of a church mouse skittering across the floor would be enough to put you into epileptic shock."

Leorio rubs his chin thoughtfully, "you know, Kurapika, you're an observant little bitch." He chuckles when Kurapika's eyebrow twitches. "In the best way possible, of course."

"Never mind that," Kurapika huffs. "What'd you do?"

Leorio looks a little guilty. "I screamed aloud that Killua is gay."

Kurapika stares blankly.

"I mean, it's old news, but it was a dick move overall."

"Uh-huh."

"He might be so pissed off he does an ollie on my face again with his skateboard."

"Leorio, we should head to the wine aisle after this."

"But Kurapika," Leorio scratches at one sideburn. "You don't drink."

Kurapika sighs. "I've been enlightened to the ways of this world."

Gon approaches Killua, who turns away from him. He's afraid, after all. What if Gon thinks he's disgusting? What if Gon will no longer be his friend? What if—

"Killua!" He is snapped out of his thoughts by Gon saying his name... in a way that is so cheerful it seems fake. "I'm so glad you got it right!"

Huh?

"When I told Mito about my—" Gon pauses a moment. "Sexyouall oreentation, I think you say it," Gon scrunches up his nose, and Killua looks up, impossibly confused. "I accidentally messed up and said I was a lesbian."

There is a pause.

And then Killua is in hysterics.

He laughs harder than he ever had in his life. As he clutches his stomach, tears begin to form in the corners of his eyes.

"Gon," Killua dry heaves, it's so goddamn funny. He will never hear something as priceless as that ever again. "You're not even qualified to live in Lesbianville. Unless you've got a cooch, I don't want to hear otherwise."

"Does that mean I live in gayville?" Gon says aloud. Killua wipes at his eyes with his sleeve as his laughter hiccups and then, after a long while, subsides.

"Oh my god," Killua whispers in bewilderment. This is not how he imagined the result of coming out to Gon would be. Gon is also gay. "Gon," He looks at his friend with a newfound understanding. "We're fucking fags. Together."

"Yeah, boiiii!" Leorio yells from the corner, as he had been eavesdropping. Kurapika looks at him pointedly, and then slaps him in the back of the head for the second time that day. They have a quick exchange of vehement anger before Kurapika busies himself elsewhere around the store. It's a good way to get the shopping done, and not have to fret over Leorio.

"Killua?" Gon rocks on the heels of his boots, and Killua looks at him with an eased expression. Although, his heart does slow a bit at the sound of Gon saying his name in such a way.

Gon mumbles in an odd monotone,  "I wouldn't be a fag with anyone but you."

Killua is so startled by the response that the gum he had been chewing sucks itself into his windpipe. Coughing and sputtering, Gon full-blown panics as Killua slaps himself in the back of the head in an attempt to dislodge the gum. Gon instinctively lets out a gasp.

"Killua! I'll save you!" Gon yells, bouncing up and down with adrenaline. Killua, who really does not want Gon to help him, backs away and accidentally knocks over a display of tomatoes. The red-skinned fruits fall to the tile and roll in every direction. Customers watch with slacked jaws as Gon leaps over onslaughts of tomatoes like a ballerina, desperately wanting to help his choking friend.

Leorio has no idea what is happening, even though he is there to witness it all.

Gon reaches Killua and tries to get him into the heimlich position, but Killua fights to get out of his grasp. However, Gon is more stubborn, and Killua is restrained quickly, his stomach being forced inward by Gon's fist.

Killua gives a hack and the gum goes airborne. It all happens in slow motion. Killua eyes go wide, Gon follows the gum with his gaze as it whizzes by, and Leorio's jaw drops as the wad of chewing gum sticks onto one of the lenses of his glasses. Leorio flails his head in some sort of shock.

"What in the ever-living fuck?" Leorio shrieks, "Did your grody gum just taint my prescription?" Killua wipes his mouth with his sleeve, still coughing slightly. Gon looks at him with concern, patting him on the back. The tomatoes fringe them, along with more stunned onlookers, for the millionth time that day.

Killua clears his throat. "Yes."

"I've saved the day," Gon beams.

Leorio raises a single fist, about to scream at them. To stop him, though, is Kurapika, who appears behind him and holds onto his fist, shaking his head. Kurapika plops a bag of russet potatoes into the carriage with his free hand. Leorio looks back at him with angry eyes, the gum still comedically stuck on his glasses. Kurapika sighs.

"Please, no more."

Things lull a little after that. Gon and Killua clean up the spilled tomatoes with the help of a few employees. Leorio calms down, but he grumbles as he tries to scrape the gum off his undersized glasses (he can't get it all off.) Kurapika double-checks his grocery list, to find, to his relief, that they had gotten everything.

With the aisle clean and all the groceries collected, the group finally heads to the checkout aisle. Kurapika looks at his watch.

"It all only took five hours," Kurapika says under his breath. "Record time."

As they approach the nearby checkout, Kurapika flips through the several credit cards in his wallet. He wants to be ready for when he has to pay. Meanwhile, Leorio is drawn in by the headers on the girly magazines displayed to the entrance of the checkout aisle. Killua tries not to laugh at Leorio's interest in something so womanly.

"How to do the perfect smokey eye! Man, Kurapika, you'd look hot with that." Kurapika looks at the back of Leorio's head, devoid of any emotion. "It's on page fourteen in case you want to check it out! You're already edgy enough to pull that off. All you'd need is heels and a LBD."

"What the fuck, Leorio? Have you always been a fan of Cosmopolitan?" Killua laughs behind his hand.

"It's a guilty pleasure."

Gon, who is followed by Kurapika, pushes the cart into the aisle. The cashier seems to be ready to take them now, as the person before them has been checked out. However, when Gon and Kurapika go to bid the cashier hello, they recognize those yellow eyes, and their stomachs lurch back in repulsion.

"Ho, oh~" Hisoka hums. "Now who do we have here~?"

"Hisoka!" Gon exclaims. Kurapika swears under his breath. Of course. As soon as they are almost out, something always gets in the way. Killua, who heard the utterance of his name, is at Gon and Kurapika's side in an instant.

Illumi, who seems to be their bagger, waves from the end of the conveyer belt.

"Hello, Killu. Nice seeing you here."

"Oh, fuck no." Killua covers his eyes with his hand in disbelief. Leorio puts down his Cosmopolitan on the magazine rack and scowls, flanking behind Gon and Killua. His fatherly instincts have kicked in— despite him having been skimming through a girly magazine a second ago.

"Who let Ronald McDonald and Drug Lord McGee in here?" Leorio wonders aloud, and Hisoka only smiles at him, the teardrop and star painted on his two cheeks becoming distorted for a moment. "Is the circus in town? Goddammit, Kurapika, we didn't even need to get tickets to see this freak show."

"Now, now, don't be like that," Hisoka purrs, creepily watching as Gon stoops over to get some groceries out of their cart. Killua notices and shields him from view, which makes Hisoka look a little disappointed. "We're all friends here."

"I think the Mcfuck not," Leorio spits back, but the underlying insult is ignored by Hisoka. He seems more interested in someone else. Gon places a bag of apples on the conveyer belt, and Hisoka's slanted eyes open a little wider as he taps a few numbers into the scanner.

"What nice fruit." But he isn't looking at the apples.

"Ahem," Killua interrupts, giving Hisoka a nasty glare. Gon blinks up, but he keeps putting the food on the conveyer belt. Kurapika mentally thanks God for Gon's naivety, as his uninterrupted work will get them out of here quicker.

From the end of the belt, the rustling of Illumi putting food into the plastic bags makes Killua shiver. "Killu, are you returning home soon? Mother and I miss you very much."

"No," Killua deadpans.

"Oh, that's too bad."

"Don't worry Illumi, hun," Hisoka says in a singsong voice that makes Killua cringe, "You still have me." He scans the barcode on the bottom of a can of soup, before momentarily looking at Illumi with a lustful, creepy expression.

Illumi looks at him for a moment with his dead-fish eyes. "Oh, goody."

Leorio examines all the candy on the nearby display, trying to avoid Hisoka and Illumi's eyes. He ponders on what brand of gum he should get (as a way to appear busy.) However, it backfires. Hisoka dreamily looks at the display as he rests his bulging arm on the scanner's keypad.

"I would recommend the Bungee Gum," Hisoka almost seems to be making love with the words that come from his mouth. He points one perfectly manicured nail towards the gum, one with an obnoxious, colorful packaging. "It's been my favorite since I was a small child. With the properties of both rubber and gum, it's a dream come true."

"Why am I inclined to listen to this psychopath?" Leorio mutters to himself. "He must just be really good at advertising this gum..."

Leorio throws a package of it into the cart, and since Gon was reaching into the cart to grab something, the gum hits him in the head.

"Ow! Leorio!" Gon rubs at the spot where the gum hit him. Hisoka devours the scene before him with his eyes.

"Sorry, Gon, but I am now determined to try this goddamn gum and figure out why Hisoka is a bubblegum bitch."

"That's insightful," Kurapika responds.

Finally, all the groceries are out of the cart. Gon daintily places the package of gum on the last of the groceries, and Hisoka beams at him. He can't resist giving it a sniff after he scans it in. Killua, as a means to get out of there faster, shoves the cart in Illumi's direction so he can start putting their bagged groceries in it.

"That will be seven-hundred and forty-four dollars and fifty-six cents."

"Fuck," Leorio whistles. "Our money is gone, but our fridge will be loaded."

Kurapika, with a cringe as usual, swipes his credit card. And, after that, it only takes a few measly minutes to finish bagging the remaining groceries.

"Have a fantastic day~!" Hisoka waves (with a not-so-necessary wink at Gon) and they don't even say goodbye as they race the fuck out of there. Leorio pushes the cart as fast as he can, and everyone else keeps a steady pace alongside him.

And when they finally step into the night air to make the long treck to back to their car, Leorio digs into his pocket to fish out his keys. But, his mouth goes dry.

"Kurapika?"

"Yeah?" The three others turn to look at him.

"I lost my keys."


End file.
